OUR SECRET WEAPON - Veronica Blake Carnegie

It is with great embarrassment that I tell you of the secret weapon used by us the five, long retired professionals. We have all been robbed, over the years, of money, jewellery, cars and telephones but none of us has been hurt by thieves. We have gone through security systems and their various alarms. We have had dogs, too bad to name. Two of us had signature guns. But things have changed for we grew old; each body has slowed and three of us use the old chamber pot (‘chimmey’ or ‘potty’) at night. Besides, the pension does not enable us to afford the modern technology with its cameras and other digital protective devices.

A year or so ago, a gun-in-hand thief ran when my aged relative shuffled towards him with her chimmey in hand. She managed to empty it on his back. His colleagues shamed him with their laughter and he left the neighbourhood. When two gunmen broke into our Kingston 8 residence, three months ago, they took off our jewellery, collected our Iphones, and sure of themselves, demanded money.

‘Whey de money deh’ and they waved the guns as four of us cowered. They did not know there were five of us in the house until fearless Freddie said, ‘Here it is’ and threw the ‘wee wee’ on the nearest one and splashed the other. Both men fled in disbelief. They forgot the loot. One appeared to have been terribly shocked at the disgusting onslaught on his fine clothes for they were both neatly dressed in ironed cotton shirts tucked in their trousers.  I know people have been using this weapon for decades and some housebreakers know the houses to avoid but some of us find this sure-fire method distasteful.  So be it. Let the gunmen come. We are ready with our secret weapon; stale urine in the chamber pot.

Veronica Blake Carnegie