It is with great embarrassment that I tell you of the
secret weapon used by us the five, long retired professionals. We have all been
robbed, over the years, of money, jewellery, cars and telephones but none of us
has been hurt by thieves. We have gone through security systems and their
various alarms. We have had dogs, too bad to name. Two of us had signature guns.
But things have changed for we grew old; each body has slowed and three of us
use the old chamber pot (‘chimmey’ or ‘potty’) at night. Besides, the pension
does not enable us to afford the modern technology with its cameras and other digital
protective devices.
A year or so ago, a gun-in-hand thief ran when my
aged relative shuffled towards him with her chimmey in hand. She managed to
empty it on his back. His colleagues shamed him with their laughter and he left
the neighbourhood. When two gunmen broke into our Kingston 8 residence, three
months ago, they took off our jewellery, collected our Iphones, and sure of
themselves, demanded money.
‘Whey de money deh’ and they waved the guns as four
of us cowered. They did not know there were five of us in the house until
fearless Freddie said, ‘Here it is’ and threw the ‘wee wee’ on the nearest one
and splashed the other. Both men fled in disbelief. They forgot the loot. One
appeared to have been terribly shocked at the disgusting onslaught on his fine
clothes for they were both neatly dressed in ironed cotton shirts tucked in
their trousers. I know people have been
using this weapon for decades and some housebreakers know the houses to avoid
but some of us find this sure-fire method distasteful. So be it. Let the gunmen come. We are ready
with our secret weapon; stale urine in the chamber pot.
Veronica Blake Carnegie
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